Paula Quinsee — Relationship Warrior, Workplace And Personal Rèlationship Coaching

Once more it is what's involved and another great guest for you, it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to a lady who is known as the Relationship Warrior. She passionately advocates healthy personal and professional relationships, who is she? She's Paula Quincy, hello Paula. Hi David, good to be here. It's very good to have you along with us, man you've done a lot of stuff. So let's start off right at the very beginning because I always like to find out how people end up where they are currently compared to where they were. And I think you have a particularly interesting story to tell. So tell me a little bit about Paula. Absolutely, so in my previous lifetime as I like to call it, I was in corporate. I had originally studied marketing and advertising and I was working for large corporates like standard bank and bank and KFC. But in my personal journey, I was in a six and a half year relationship that had hit rock bottom and we were going for therapy. And our therapist referred us to Emargo Relationship Therapy. And so we went off on this couples weekend, couples retreat to kind of save our relationship. And I was just blown away at the impact that Emargo had on me and just helped me understand who I was and how I had got to where I was based on my upbringing and my childhood and how that had influenced and shaped my perspective on the world.

And particularly in terms of relationships and how to have healthy relationships. And so it just has such a profound effect on me. And there and then I decided that I wanted to learn more about this stuff and teach it because life was too short to be unhappy, especially in our relationships, which is supposed to be our biggest source of support and nurturing and care. And so that's kind of where it started. And so I trained up and studied to become a certified Emargo Relationship Therapy facilitator and educator. And that was in about 2009 and I started doing it part time in the evenings and the weekends with a view that one day when I left the corporate world in my second career, I would step into some form of coaching or helping people. So that was the start of it. Okay. But you've sort of, if you don't mind me saying, you've kind of glossed over some bits that I think are incredibly important in terms of your journey. And often people that listen to this show or shows like it, they'll sit and think my life is an absolute mess. It's falling down about my ears and nothing works and it's just horrible. But I mean, you lost your mother at a very early age. You were a victim of abuse.

You used to do binge eating, low self-esteem. I mean, you were in a very dark place. Absolutely. I think that defining moment or catalyst started when I was seven years old. My mom died in an accident and so that was kind of, I guess, where it started. Growing up with a father who was emotionally unavailable, I always tell the story that I think when my mom died, he kind of died with her too, particularly on an emotional level. And I suppose also from a generational thing, he grew up in a generation where it was that typical, the man was the bread when he went out and he earned the bread or the bacon, so to speak, and the woman was at home nurturing the children. And we didn't have that anymore. So I grew up with an emotionally unavailable father. And as a result of that, I didn't develop the skills of how to have healthy attachment when it came to relationships, which resulted in me being in therapy in that particular relationship because it was yet another failed relationship. But yeah, after that, I experienced parts of emotional abuse or sexual abuse, should I say, at around age sort of 12, 13. And that obviously had a huge impact in terms of how I saw myself, I guess from a body image point of view in that sex was something that was dirty and taboo and it was shameful.

And as a result, yeah, I grew up with body image issues. And so around 18, 19 started binge eating in terms of, I suppose, a form of control, wanting to control and being like society and the glossy magazines, the perfect body, the perfect image, the model type of perspective on the world, that if I was this beautiful thing that people would love me, I need to find out that that of course is false. And so yeah, I had a string of failed relationships behind me and that's how I ended up in therapy with yet another failed relationship. And so it was going through that whole process and I guess learning to love myself and accept myself for who I was, who I am, how I got to where I was, the battle scars of life, so to speak. And trying to find my identity, find who I was and be comfortable in my own skin, which took quite a few years of therapy before I finally got it to it, I guess, a normality that doesn't mean to say that today I don't have days of doubt. We all know about the imposter syndrome. We all experience the imposter syndrome. So I don't know if that ever goes away, to be honest. It's actually quite strange. I was actually chatting to somebody about that very thing yesterday about imposter syndrome and how particularly amongst entrepreneurs, you've got this lurking thing inside of you that says, what happens if somebody calls you out?

What happens if somebody challenges you and goes, you're actually not as good as you like to say you are. And it's a massive, massive thing. I mean, it's not just, you know, and it's not just, you've just mentioned it. It's not just entrepreneurs that go through it. But I think people who put themselves out there in the world are more prone to it. Would you agree? Absolutely. And I was talking to a very good friend and mentor and role model who is an entrepreneur. And I said to him, does it ever go away? Do you ever get to a point in your own business where you feel like, you know, finally I know what I'm doing. And he's been in business for 12, 14 plus years, and he said it never goes away. There are days where he sometimes questions what is he doing, which I found quite surprising and at the same time quite comforting as well. Well, I've got to say, I'm right there. I have days like that as well in the sometimes and I think, should I even actually get out a bit? Because I really, I'm just making the stuff up as I go along. But talking about going along, you then subsequently have studied some other things that I'd like to just find out about so we can complete our setting of the scene.

You've studied neuro-linguistic programming. Although the term these days is more neuro-linguistic psychology, I guess. And a PDA analyst and a myPDA coach and trainer, which is kind of strange because being old fashioned like I am, PDA stands for personal, you know, like your smartphone or something. Yeah, I suppose you could look at it that way. It is part of our apps, I guess, our apps in terms of how we're wired and how we think. So that's probably a good analogy. Yeah. So I started off with the Margot Relationship Therapy, which is primarily deals with couples and couples coaching, couples therapy, couples counseling, the terms that are used out there. And then I found that I had quite a few individuals coming to me and I wanted to equip myself to be able to help individuals as well, which is where I then looked at doing the NLP as it's often commonly referred to or neuro-linguistic programming or neuro-linguistic practitioner, which is really around the language that we use that conditions the way we think or the way we behave or the way that we respond and react in a very simplistic term, it's our conditioning. So I studied that as a way to equip me with more tools to deal with both individuals and couples and then started kind of blending my own personal experience and my own personal journey and some of the things that had helped me overcome where I had been and then taking my corporate experience, you know, obviously through corporate as I kind of climbed the ranks so to speak, I'd been on a couple of leadership programs and development programs and you know, those kinds of things.

I started blending those tools and insights that I've learned and I believe that life is a lifelong journey of learning, so I'm always looking to learn and grow and develop, whether it's reading, talking to people, attending seminars or conferences, et cetera. And so that's how I started getting into the space where I now started working with both individuals in their personal capacity and then in the workplace as well in corporates. And for me, it's all about relationships. So first of all, do I have a healthy relationship with myself and then how am I showing up and how am I co-creating that space in my personal world with my personal relationships? And then in the corporate space with my relationships in the workplace and so that's kind of where I've evolved to and where I am today. With the PDA, it simply stands for personal development assessment and it's a type of psychometric assessment that measures three key areas, its behavior traits, its emotional indicators and its energy indicators or energy levels and it's really around developing self-awareness around how I think or how I make decisions, how I deal with people, so introvert, extrovert, the way that I like to work, am I the kind of person that is very routine orientated and I like certainty and stability or do I cope better with change and working on multiple things and then do I need a structured environment because I like that sort of guidance, whether it's systems or processes or people or am I more of a big picture thinker?

And so that's kind of where I've got today in terms of my training and then I've also obviously done a couple of other courses and stuff here and there and looking to do some more as well. Fantastic stuff. My special guest is Paula Quincy. She's basically, let's just be honest here, your go-to relationship warrior and it's all about personal professional relationships for Paula. When we come back we'll chat more and find out what else Paula has done. This is what's involved. And we're back on what's involved with my special guest Paula Quincy. Paula so just before the break we were talking about some of the stuff that you had done. You're also an author though. You've written what two books I believe or guides, what do you call them? Guides or books? I suppose I like to call them guides because they have practical tips and tools and templates that you can work with to help you shift from wherever you are. So I suppose they fall into the genre of self-help guides. Okay and I mean you've had some wonderful endorsements there. I mean the international EQ guy, Harvey Deutschendorf, Margaret Hirsch who I happen to know, what a firebomb that lady is and Colleen Larson as well. So you certainly, you've had some very, very impressive people talk about what you do and how you do it and I've acknowledged what you do.

You've also been a TEDx speaker. What else have you done? Yeah I never kind of intentionally set out to write books. I always look up to authors and think wow they're amazing people and then one of my friends and colleagues had written books and I was like chatting to her like how did you do it? Truly it took you years to write this book and she shared her formula and how she went about doing it and I thought well okay let me give it a try and see how that goes. So yeah I never intended to write books but I took my personal experiences and some of the tools that I've used and put it into an easy, I mean it looks like a short book and a very easy quick read but the depth lies in doing the work after each section. You know that's where the aha moments or the nuggets of gold come from and so yeah I have been an international speaker as well. I've spoken in places like Amsterdam and Istanbul and obviously locally here in South Africa. I'm very blessed to have awesome role models around me like Colleen and Margaret and Harvey and on a more personal level I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie as I suppose you could say. I've done things like I've run the comrades marathon, two oceans marathon, I've climbed Kilimanjaro.

I've done the Inca trail in Machu Picchu, jumped out of an aeroplane, scuba diving, all of those kind of things. Which is for me so refreshing to hear because if you look at your history and your past and where you were at that time you've got every reason to just absolutely have given up and said okay no there's nothing, you know this is my lot in life and this is who I am and yet you didn't and you came to a realisation at some stage I'm guessing your past is not who you are. Definitely, I was in therapy for a good couple of years you know just trying to work on myself and understand myself because I suppose the easiest way to describe it is I had this empty feeling this void inside and I was trying to chase it externally until I realised that you know I was seeking the wrong things I needed to seek it from within and so as you say and what I always like to tell others is your past does not define who you are, you do and you get to choose who you want to be and how you want to live your life which is a lot of the work that I do in the you know the clients that I work with and the courses and the programmes that I run is just at the end of the day it always comes back to self and before you can give to others or share with others or love others you have to be able to love yourself and flaws and all we're all human beings and we all have flaws there's no such thing as the perfect person or the perfect relationship.

I would agree with you 100% 100% over there now let's move on because you've got this incredible background you've got an incredible history of being able to help people. How has this pandemic affected not only you but I mean I think it's affected a whole lot of people around us I mean at this stage one of my pet peeves is everybody going around saying we've got to adjust to this new normal when at the end of the day we've got no idea what normal really is yeah absolutely funny enough I was I was on a stress webinar yesterday with one of my colleagues talking about this very thing that it is not normal what we're living under at the moment you know yes we've never experienced a pandemic before so we have very little frame of reference where it's concerned and usually when change comes along we get the option to buy into change we want to change and we willingly take the steps to change but interest thrust upon us the one day we were living our lives the next day we were in extreme lockdown so that whole sense of our world being turned upside down is very true everything was taken away from us our freedom our movement we would had severe restrictions we were now from a from a whole family dynamics point of view we were in each other's faces and spaces 24/7 so they were extreme stressful situations and environments and and with that came the uncertainty and the fear of the unknown which we still don't know we as far as the virus is concerned and obviously job security in terms of you know financial impact and job losses and economy and all of these things so it is extremely stressful and anxious times that we're in it's not normal to live in these conditions so to speak it's interesting that you say that when when lockdown happened I've always maintained and people often laugh at me and that they sort of and it's one of the reasons I love being on on radio and doing those kind of things is because I love people I just don't necessarily want to see them all the time and and before before lockdown my my big sort of thing that I used to do is like you know if I don't ever have to leave the house again I'll be very very happy and prior to lockdown I think my record was two weeks without going out anywhere and then lockdown happened and it was like well guess what buddy now we're gonna really test you and I've got to tell you those those first I suppose two months who I fell apart I think everybody in the family really kind of fell apart and it wasn't it didn't just happen to us and I think this is something that that you know with this pandemic you need to see it as well you don't need to but you can choose to see it as a positive because it's made us look at a whole bunch of stuff in our lives very much so I think the pandemic has has taught us to really look at what's important versus what's valuable so important being things like family relationships friends lifestyle etc and and and what's valuable in terms of we've learned that we can do without so much that we thought we couldn't before hmm yeah absolutely absolutely but I mean with with with us during that time and during this time of covert and I've got to say I sort of feel like we're coming out of that that particular sort of stress and everything but it shows cracks it really it exposes weaknesses both in business and in your relationships because now suddenly you're with people 24/7 and you actually have to see them and you can't just hide away and a lot of times that brings immense stress and pressure on people is this something that you've noticed yes so from a global perspective when China was one of the first countries to come out of lockdown and they were one of the first ones to report a spike in divorce cases post post coming out of lockdown we started seeing those stats increase around the world as well as here in in South Africa and I think there's two camps here one is those couples that didn't have a good or healthy relationship to start with they had a very rocky foundation and now being thrust into each other's spaces for and can be confined for that period of time as you said there was no way to escape because often we use work as an escape and you know it allows us to go away they put some distance between us in our in our partners that kind of doesn't rock the boat so much we we avoid dealing with or we find ways of coping with and then you know we come back to the relationship and we you know it's that daily grind routine it's we get home we have dinner we may watch a bit of TV and kind of then we go to bed and then it's eat eat sleep press we we picked and replay kind of thing but on the other hand it's brought some you know a lot of couples are saying it's brought them closer together and being being together now there is some truth in this but I'm really questioning whether it's brought them closer together in terms of really deepening their relationship and having those deep and meaningful conversations and talking about real stuff or is it just the fact that we spending more time together and we are kind of helping each other a lot more when it comes to the household chores and responsibilities than in the past because that is often a complaint that I that I used to get is you're always at work you're always working late or you know I'm always looking after the kids and doing this and you just get to kind of you know do your thing it's a common complaint that comes up in relationships so and yes it has brought couples closer together but I'm that I'm questioning on what real level or what deeper level is it just the fact that we know spending more time in each other's space all right well my special guest is Paula Quincy we will be back it is what's involved when we come back Paula what I'd like to talk to you a bit about is if people who are listening to this broadcast are experiencing emotional issues and and and laugh just generally sucks are there some tips we can give people listening to help them start working through this yes fantastic we'll talk about that when we come back it is what's involved and we are back what's involved that is my special guest is Paula Quincy an amazing amazing woman who's done some amazing things and Paula I must tell you your passion for your work definitely shines through let's talk now about those people who you know their entire lives have been turned upside down and families have been turned upside down it's just it's been an awful time for a lot of people some people have adjusted in fact some people have thrived during this time but there's others who are still in a very very dark place in terms of relationships where would one start so I think the first thing is to you know really use this time to to reflect on how healthy is our relationship now people often assume when I say healthy relationships that means we don't have any issues or we don't have any conflict or we don't have any disagreements and that's not true because it's unrealistic just like life has ups and downs so do our relationships personally and professionally so there's three sort of key questions that couples can sit down and ask themselves and reflect on and the first one is what's working in our relationship and how do we keep doing more of that because we're very quick to focus on what's not working and point out our partners faults or you know what's you know the issues in the relationship but we very seldom sit down and go well what is working and how do we make sure we keep doing more of that to keep growing and building our relationship so that's the first question the second question is what can what areas or where can we improve now this is very different to what's not working because when we ask the question what's not working we're very quick to pull out the dustbin and all the rubbish we've done to the cockpit so what's what areas can we improve on is more of a positive spin on it to say okay well we can improve on this and we can improve on that and you know that kind of thing and then the third question they can ask is how can I be a better partner for you often we assume our partners can read our minds or they know what we want or what we need but unfortunately we are not mind readers and if we don't share it with our partner if we don't let our partner in to what's going on inside of us what am I feeling what am I thinking what am I needing where am I at right now how do I need you to be there for me our partners don't know how to do that so when we share it and when we let it let them into our world you know our hopes our dreams our fears are all of those things it helps create a stronger connection a stronger bond we feel closer to each other we feel supported there's a level of trust and it just helps to create that stronger foundation that together couples can grow and they can weather the storms when they come I like that and I like what you say because it is and I think so many of us have these preconceived ideas of what a relationship should be and it's all moonlight and roses and valentines and hearts and romantic dinners and we often sort of overlook you know our ideal world that the reality is really not like that and I've spoken to a couple of people and I've said and I firmly believe a relationship is something you have to put effort in not necessary I don't know if I'd call it work but you do certainly have to put some effort in and a lot of people are shocked at that and they're like but why you know and I'm going well because you know when all the chemicals and everything are rushing at the beginning of a relationship you're prepared to overlook so much and it's all rosy we look at the world through our rose tinted spectacles but when that wears off which invariably does then we become you know we get to a place at least I believe where we generally need to sit down and set ourselves held I even like the person I'm with absolutely that that honeymoon romantic phase as we call it it can research shows it can last anything from three months to 24 months before we start moving into the next phase of our relationship cycle so there's a typical cycle that all couples go through and we go through it time and time again for as long as we are with that person because we find coping mechanisms to help us deal with or avoid dealing with what's going on in our relationships and coping mechanisms can be anything from being a workaholic so throwing yourself into work it can be sports hobbies social media is a big one addictions and any form of addictions from emotional eating to obviously alcohol to substance abuse whether it's things like pain medication and sleeping tablets to hardcore drugs we can find all sorts of coping mechanisms yeah I've seen I've seen the effects of some of those coping mechanisms as well and I've seen people I know for example that had absolutely nothing left that they were prepared to work on and they were very very wealthy and turned into gambling and that just everything came crumbling down which is kind of scary but what I'd also like to talk about though is you know we can as couples we can start and we can ask those three questions where do we end up though and maybe this is something that we should talk about when we come back and we start wrapping up the interview but does this translate into corporate and I think we can talk about that a little bit more when we come back it is what's involved my special guest is Paula Quincy and we are back with Paula does it translate into relationships because a lot of people look at this kind of stuff and go it's very airy-fairy and it doesn't really translate into the corporate world and you know we spend so much of our time there what sort of an impact does this have and has the COVID epidemic had a huge impact on your relationships in terms of your job environment?

Absolutely you know with a lot of people working from home our homes have become our workplace now whereas before it was our sacred space our sanctuary that we would go away to to recharge and re-energize ourselves with the majority of people working from home now we are we're having to change the way especially from a leadership point of view in terms of we are now managing people in their personal spaces we are stepping into their roles with you know through zoom meetings and stuff like that we're getting to see the environment that they live in and the distractions and the disruptions that are going on around them whether it's children in the background dogs barking connectivity issues whatever that might be and psychologically we're not wired to be connected or online all the time but actually they've done a lot of research around the impact on our brain obviously and zoom fatigue or digital fatigue is a very real thing and so corporates and leadership are now starting to become more and more aware and understanding of how important mental health is in the workplace and whereas before and I say this respectfully a lot of them were let's have our annual wellness day and tick the box exercise we've helped our employees become more informed or aware of health but that's kind of where it stopped whereas now it needs to be a key component of business strategies and business models going forward because your people are your business and if your people aren't well your business isn't going to be well I think it's even more vital now because you know because of where we are yes we're now at level two and I've seen a lot of people going out and acting like crazy people and going yeah freedom but the virus hasn't gone anywhere so you know for the foreseeable future there's a lot of things that are not going to change in the way that we're hoping they would but Paula if somebody is listening now and they are a business owner maybe they're an executive a small business medium business what sort of advice can we give to people like that in terms of the staff relationships because those are also as we just discussed vitally important I think so this is where it's you know how well do you know your people and do you know what kind of support your people need so as you were saying earlier some people are loving being at home you know that careful what you wish for because so many people said oh I just wish I could work from home or stay at home all day so those are what we kind of without labeling them too much more of the introverts and they are loving working from home and they don't want to go back to the office space but there are other people that aren't coping working from home more of the extroverted people the people that need interaction and social connection but also people that prefer more of a structured environment and getting up and going to work every day and coming home gave us some form of structure or routine and those people may need a little bit more support from their managers or their leaders so really getting to know your people really checking in with your people in terms of how they're doing on a human level and not just from a work perspective and you know have you done what you said you were going to do so also learning to measure output versus deliverables a lot of managers are struggling to manage remotely it's causing so I know someone that their manager they've had to check in with their manager every morning and every afternoon they've had to submit a timesheet of what they've done during the day so some people are reverting to to micromanaging and that's causing conflict it's adding to the stress and the anxiety and all those kind of things so it's having to learn to lead differently having to learn to really connect and as you said making the effort and it doesn't have to be a huge effort it's just every day if I can schedule five minutes or 10 minutes where I just chat to one of my employees and find out how they're doing how's their family going how they're coping with juggling being a parent and a teacher and homeschooling kids if they've got kids or if they're living on their own are they coping being alone are they really feeling that isolation and and the risk there is it can can lead to depression hmm yeah you know it's scary because as we talking I'm busy thinking about my situation and what's happened to me and I've said it before on the show I always used to be one of those old-fashioned radio people that was like the only way you can have a decent interview with somebody is if you have bums on seats so if you're sitting opposite somewhat somebody in a recording or radio studio that is what gives value and of course that just totally and I was quite arrogant about that I mean I know I turned on guests before who wanted to do telephonic interviews etc etc and I said no it just doesn't work for me it'll never work for me well guess what now it only works for me because that's the only thing and and I know that the mindset change it took to get me into this space where I am now where I'm going okay this is the way you know my reality looks right now and if I want to keep on delivering value I need to work within these parameters yes and this is way from an individual level and from a from a corporate or a business level we're having to reskill up skill and even redeploy ourselves in this new environment so with the fourth Industrial Revolution it was all about AI and robotics and and you know data and this kind of thing whereas we're not we've moved into the fifth Industrial Revolution where it's all about purpose and meaning and we've had to become tech savvy baby yes I'm here are you there this is the the the the the the war cry of of zoom is can you hear me exactly so yeah it's about you know we've had to become tech savvy with dealing with technology like zoom like Microsoft Teams or whatever platforms it is that you're using whereas before we had to get used to you know automation and robotics and data intelligence and stuff like that we've had to so even though our job title and role and our function has stayed the same the way we work and where we work has changed and we've had to get our heads around that and some people are still struggling with that same with some companies you know some of them are still struggling with with people working from home and now as we go into level two and potentially level one some companies are looking at how do we bring the workforce back is it a 30% do we take turns one week on we golf do we do shift that kind of thing so business is also in a tough situation grappling with how to solve these things so I've never had to do it before either so I think from both sides employee employer have a bit of compassion and empathy and understanding we're all going through this but differently it's okay to not be okay they are going to be days where we not we just don't want to crawl out of bed we just want to hide away from the world and that's okay it's reality and you're allowed to feel those things being more accommodating or flexible and adaptable if I've homeschooling my kids I'm not going to be online at 9 10 o'clock in the morning because I'm teaching my kids so managing hours and online and what does that mean and how do we measure output and productivity versus deliverables or KPIs or whatever it is that it used to be that you were measuring and I think also more importantly from a self-care point of view and businesses being more accommodating is mental health and well-being and putting boundaries down and being able to say no so sorry no I can't be online at 10 o'clock or 5 o'clock or whatever finding the hours that work for you I've got a lot of people saying they're working longer hours now than ever before but they are feeling drained they are feeling fatigued so taking time out for self and and taking those breaks and with the research now is showing that after 40 minutes people start feeling fatigue and after two hours the stress levels go up yeah I can see I can see how that happens because there's there's many times that I spend quite a quite extended period of time online and you do afterwards you feel wiped out the interesting thing that you mentioned and in terms of it's okay to not feel okay one of the things that I've done and I've done it for many years is if I am not feeling okay and it's been amplified and magnified during COVID is I do what I call I have a pity party and it's a pity party for one and these balloons and cake and everything and I'll set a deadline to it I'm going okay I'm going to feel like absolutely horrible now and I'm going to wallow in self-pity and maybe go lie on the bed in a fetal position with the curtains or the blinds drawn and just really get into how horrible I'm feeling and get all of that emotion out and I put a timeframe on it so in the next you know after an hour or so then I'm I'm back I've had my pity party I've let all of that emotion out and I'm ready to carry on is that something that you would recommend as well absolutely I think you know you've got to find what works for you because everybody's different and some people resort to things like exercise some people resort to meditation some people resort to just going and shutting off up from the world and putting earphones on and listening to music it's whatever works for you but also understanding that it might work for me today but tomorrow it doesn't work for me so then I need to find something else so having tools in your toolbox that you can resort to as and when you need knowing when to reach out so support structures hugely important and from a personal point of view family or friends in the workplace if you have those kind of relationships with your boss or your colleagues and if you don't then reaching out to those professional organizations like Lifeline and SADAC or even counselors and you know people that can offer a level of support to help you work through it and to help you deal with what you're going through and what you're experiencing because it is real for you because you are going through it is your reality not anybody else's and you know what I also think at this time never underestimate the power of a phone call you know if you if you're thinking about somebody or you know there's there's a mate of yours that you haven't heard from or whatever pick up the phone and just go hi how are you doing and then you know to typical South African responses I'm fine which we all know stands for I'm going to use the clean version now fouled up insecure and neurotic and emotional so you know we're not always and what we are a lot of the time we are fine but you know don't be scared if somebody says to you how are you doing give them an answer and be prepared if you ask the question to get an answer yeah and I think that's where this this whole you know the labels that society has placed on us or that we've allowed society to place on us but also our own labels in that you know it's it's it's a weakness we can't show emotion we have to you know we have to have all our stuff together and our life in place and in order and this perfect life perfect wife perfect house perfect husband perfect everything is unrealistic and of course social media doesn't help I mean it's not called fake book for nothing right yeah I don't I don't even want to get into some of that awful stuff I've seen on social media because people have just gone nuts and you know it's like I don't know it seems to give people license to to be mean and nasty but you know if you are doing something like that just think first goodness me you know I saw I saw something the other day about somebody who'd posted about the rumor about the government banning alcohol again and they were so judgmental about the people and the cues and they were this that the next thing not a day later there they start publishing pictures of all the booze they've bought and I was like wow okay hypocrite much yeah yeah and it's you know we yeah we're quick to project our own stuff onto others and so I call it the blame the blame and the victim mentality when we blame other things and other people for what's gone wrong in our lives what we don't realize is the last two letters of the word blame ends in me and when I'm doing that I'm avoiding taking accountability and responsibility for me and my contribution to the situation oh that's very good and the same with victim the last two letters of victim is I am I'm I'm the one that's put me in victim land or victim mode or mentality and I'm the only one that can get me out of it by taking action absolutely Paula it's it's that time we're running out of time again before I let you go and thank you so much for your time it is much much appreciated before I let you go if somebody is is you know struggling if there's a business that business owner and executive that's listening or maybe there's a couple that are that are having some some major hassles can they contact you absolutely they can go to my website so it's Paula Quincy dot com they can find me on social media platforms are linked in Facebook Twitter Instagram and YouTube and all my contact details are on those platforms they're welcome to get in touch and happy to to help fantastic it's Paula Quincy dot com and it's spelt p-a-u-l-a q-u-i-n-s double e so that's q-u-i-n-s double e. Paula before I let you go one piece of advice that you would give to somebody listening now to start making a change in their lives changes a process it doesn't happen overnight it happens over time and it's one day at a time one step at a time that the small changes eventually to make shifts fantastic stuff Paula Quincy my special guest thank you so much for chatting to us we wish you all the best going forward and yeah I think to sum up where we are at the moment is is this world of ours is becoming more about being human and I remember one of my mentors always used to say to me bear in mind whether you're a human being or a human doing so I think it's time we worked on the human being part Paula again thank you thank you it's been an absolute pleasure sharing this time with you there we go that was my special guest Paula Quincy more what's involved will be coming your way